| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|09:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Things are finally getting back to normal. I got my new car, my wounds are healing, and I have some incentive to get my act together. For those who don't know, I wrecked my car last week. I'm fine, the car isn't. I had a strawberry cream pie shake on the way home from class. That was good. I still have calculus homework to do before tomorrow morning. That's bad. And I have to work shortly after I get out of said class. Even worse. But oh well. Life just keeps dragging on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|10:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Malice Through the Looking Glass" by Cradle of Filth | ] |
Ugh, I shouldn't even be awake... I'm supremely pissed, I printed my work schedule for next week and I'm scheduled for 32 hours. I believe I specifically asked to be part time. I'm just going to start calling in sick, I'm getting there anyway.
( Weird personal stuff )
I need to buy a book on how to use Adobe GoLive. Akme got us hosting for a site, now all I have to do is make it. This site will far surpass anything the official site ever hoped to be. Why? Because they suck and I'm sick of it. Not Ed and Damien, they are cool, but Mezco. How can you have an official website and not update it... ever? The last series they have on there is series 5... we're on 8, soon to be 9. And that new board is atrocious. I couldn't even begin to wade through it. So much juvenile crap. What is unfortunate is that since I've streamlined my own collection, I'm going to have to rely on other people for a lot of pictures. And I hate to tell people, "this picture won't work" but I'm going to be very particular about the quality of this site. Nothing half-assed here. Then whenever my interest in collecting dolls finally wanes (or I get frustrated enough to sell them all and buy more Final Fantasy figures), I'll turn the reins over to someone that I know will keep up the quality of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Brand New Key" by Rasputina | ] |
Little to report. I did get my Adobe Creative Suite, so I've been going nuts with Photoshop, made some new graphics for the board, though they are just placeholders for something better. I got a B on my Calculus test... go me! I'm finally starting to understand it all again, so that is a step in the right direction. I should be working on drawing but I'm too tired. Been playing the Windwaker off and on. It's a fun game but the sailing part sucks and I just don't have a lot of time for games lately. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads this mess. Looking through all my written journals, it seems the only time I think to write are in very extreme circumstances, either depression or high spirits. Now I'm just bored.
I took the OKCupid quiz. It says I'm "Half-Cocked"... the way things are going, I probably won't even be half cocked in quite some time. Har, har, har....
It's sad that I'm actually doing the whole dating site thing... I might as well go kill myself. I cannot seem to find anyone locally that will work for me. I guess I have pretty strict standards, and I live in, well, southern Ohio. I guess I can't expect to find my next great love so quickly. But I know one thing, there will be no more long distance relationships. I need something tangible this time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Path of Repentance" by Nobuo Uematsu | ] |
Gahhh... I hate calculus...why is it that this makes such little sense to me. I think I'm just intimidated by it. It's fucking freezing in this room. I keep asking for a heater, but my parents are convinced that I'll burn the house down. They're probably right. I love this song, it is so pretty. It's the song from the Via Purifico in FFX. Very soothing. I still have a paper to write for Civ Lit, however it's only like a 1 to 2 pager so I can totally get that done tomorrow night, I just need to stop by the library to get some sources. I keep going back to this song. It's technical name is "Path of Repentance"... maybe that's symbolic of something. Penance... more and more penance. I never could forgive myself of my shortcomings. Seems like no matter how far you run from it, it's always there. The more I go on lately, the more dismal things seem. And the more I whine about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|12:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Well, I'm alot happier now... before I was pissed because things changed so much, but now I've realized that things have only changed for the better. I feel free, like this immense burden that I never deserved has been lifted from me. I'm going to put off love for now... but if I do start dating anyone, it will be from outside our little group of friends, because I don't want to go the route of so many girls before, hopping from one friend to the next, it only causes problems and hurts people and the last thing we need is more hard feelings between each other. There are so many lines drawn now, sometimes I wish it was the way it was a year ago, everyone got along then. But, many snakes have been exposed for what they are, and I suppose it is better now to not be ignorant of their true natures. In the end there are only like 3 or 4 trustworthy people left, which I guess is about right on an even larger level. Some things still hurt to think about, and some people I will never forgive. But, as I have done so many times before, I have evolved, taken that next step, and learned from my mistakes. Never again will I ever doubt that people are capable of anything, no matter how much you love them and how much you think they love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|04:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
Well, it's all over now... Matt never did make any effort to see me, so fuck it, I don't need shit like him in my life after all.... The actual holiday was really nice this year, I got my GameCube, which I'm just in love with and everyone seemed to really like the gifts I got them... especially Trent and his Final Fantasy trading arts that he's just gay over. I still hate work, not actually being here, I really like the people I work with, it's the customers that get on my last nerve. Bunch of loquacious idiots... (word of the day!) I guess I kind of just hate the world right now. I feel like a wounded animal.. I really just want to go hide somewhere because I really don't have anyone to turn to anymore. I need to get over this, but it's going to take a lot of time to mend the schism in my heart. I have to learn to trust again which is never easy to do. *sigh* |
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| Bah humbug! |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|05:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | That damn XMODS dvd... | ] |
So I was kind of optimistic this morning, I thought it would be a nice day, that I might get to see Matt and all that good shit... no. My shift at work got extended from 4 to 9, and Matt doesn't really seem all that interested in seeing me... I feel like total shit now, I'm so fucking sick of being in this store, I'm pissed and stressed and Arby's forgot my fucking BBQ sauce so now I'm eating dry chicken fingers, which will probably just make me sick to my stomach in about an hour. Working retail makes me fucking hate Christmas. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|09:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The whirr of the server fans | ] |
9:32 PM
Sitting here at work... for some unknown retarded reason, we're open until 10PM now. This might be productive for mall stores or even city stores, but this is Wheelersburg. Not even a real town, lucky to have a post office. Can't get ahold of anyone on the phone... bored bored bored. I hate this job anymore. I don't even make commission anymore, it's hardly worth the minimum wage to show up. Luckily I get paid Thursday, less than $100 in the old bank account... makes me nervous. Matt's supposed to be home on Friday... not sure how that's gonna turn out, but I am kind of anxious to see. Haven't seen him since late March. I don't know why I thought this would ever work. I was naive and blinded by love I think. These god forsaken shoes... my feet will have bruises tomorrow. Random thinking... I had a dream the other night that I was tripping on acid at my Mom's church... and there were people with koala bear heads walking up the stairs. And I thought it was funny until they all started smiling at me and trying to shake my hand. Weird.
I'm selling off about half of my Living Dead Dolls. And what I don't sell will be customized. I found the Series 9 picture... they look alright. Maybe worth buying down the road. I only really liked Faith and the Lost from S8, but I still haven't bought those for lack of money. Funny thing is, one of the dolls in the S9 picture looks just like a custom I did called "Morbid." We'll see what it actually ends up looking like, but damn, I mean I guess I deserve it for *profaning* the holiness of the dolls by redoing them, but I never thought I'd see one of my original designs as an actual LDD. I don't know whether to be flattered or pissed. I'm flissed. Or plattered.
Alls I know is that these next few weeks are going to be crazy. And I'm still alone. But I'm kind of okay with that. It's easier to do what you want to do when you don't have to take anyone else into consideration. I've applied for some new jobs, one with Cingular Wireless, and one, though I haven't fully applied yet, being a sales rep for Russell Stover. How fat will that make me? Driving around (sitting on my ass) and getting free chocolate (expanding my ass). But, hell, it's flexible hours and its stuff I'm good at, like setting up displays and shmoozing people. And I can do that and still go to school 5 days a week. I need money for that damn RAM, turns out *GEEK ALERT* I have 2 X 256MB, when I thought I had 1 X 512MB, so now to upgrade to roughly a gig, I have to buy a 1024MB stick. Which is like $340. And I thought I could do it for $100. Notebook RAM is too damn expensive. Minimum wage ain't gonna cut it. And I have to have more RAM to run Photoshop CS and Maya 6. So I'm screwed cause Mom won't buy the programs until I buy the RAM. Which may never happen. Well, I get to close in 3 minutes... If you're still reading, check your pulse... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|09:08 pm] |
What's sad is that I really am a gamer geek... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2004|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Jesus Built My Hot Rod" by Ministry | ] |
Black Friday has come and gone. My job is so wierd... I love it while I'm there, I hate it when I get paid. Being poor blows.
I can't seem to get back into being single.... but I can't blame anyone else for my failures. I realize that now. I held on too tight, I was too afraid to mess things up and ended up doing it anyway... oh well, it may or may be salvagable. I have ample opportunities... and I am too beholden to a shadow to let myself respond. Hope is a strange thing. It can either keep you alive or kill you depending on the situation. |
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| blahahahababa |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|10:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sore | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Suteki da ne?" - FFX | ] |
So, finals week is upon us...I only have one test, that's Monday morning, game programming bright and early... woooo.... I have tomorrow to throw together a sculpture for another class... then the rest of my time until Wednesday to finish my goddamned wretched digital imaging project that I hate with a bloody passion. I don't know how someone can take a fun program like Photoshop and turn it into 10 weeks of utter hell. But anyway... speaking of Photoshop, I should have it along with Maya sometime around Christmas. I just need to get another 512MB of RAM for my laptop. I decided to wait to build a kickass desktop til I have more money. And Thursday... Thursday I sleep... all damn day... and prepare for having to be at work at 6:30 am for "hot friday" or as any retail worker knows it "black friday"... oh yes, the day after Thanksgiving sale... when the vultures are out and everyone forgets what it's like to be civilized for a day. I think I've been better off alone these past few weeks. Not to say that I want it to stay that way.... but it's been kind of... relaxing. Nice to be selfish and not feel bad about it. I think sometimes I give away too much of myself. And I think there is too much of myself... I'm getting fat... I should utilize that gym they have on campus. Blah blah blah... if you're still reading this, you probably are just bored. Which is precisely why I'm still writing it... cause no one's online to talk to and I'm too nervous to go to sleep and too out of it to do anything productive. I guess I could get all these dolls packed up... good idea... |
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| Somebody shoot me now. |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|06:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Whatever's on the satellite | ] |
So... this week has sucked some major ass.... ended a 3 year relationship... got annoyingly ill... had to cover alot at work, which infact I am doing right now... working 9-8 because Radioshack doesn't see fit to hire enough people to properly run a store. I feel like my life is falling apart. I had to miss school yesterday because I felt so horrible, which was half being sick and half being depressed. So now I have a bunch to make up... hopefully I don't fail anything this quarter like I fail at life. No one wants to read this... I'll just shut up now. |
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| blah blah blahdy blah |
[Aug. 21st, 2004|01:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine | ] |
I'm so bored. Trent is in Utah. Utah! He's becoming a Mormon bastard. He'll come back with 12 wives.
It's funny how much you can get done when your TV breaks. I've gotten 4 dolls finished in like 3 days.
No TV + No Video Games = Productivity
I realized today when showing people my website that it needs alot of work. Unfortunately, FrontPage is on the computer that can't connect to the web... so... oh well. So, maybe since I don't have the time or a car big enough to haul that big ass TV to the repair shop in Ashland anytime soon... I'll get my site fixed. But that's a huge maybe. I'll probably end up sitting on my ass all weekend. And playing DDRMax2 which decided to show up today. The damn beatpads smell funny and they are giving me a headache. Ughhh.... |
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| Considerately killing me |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|02:52 pm] |
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Well, life sucks. I moved back in with my parents, I'm working on a Sunday and my boyfriend is all but IGNORING me. Which is nice, I guess two and a half years OF MY YOUNG LIFE means nothing now. Life sucks at this moment, I want to fucking die. Right now.... Anytime now.... damnit. |
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| My own little hole in the cesspool |
[May. 7th, 2004|04:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The wonderful sounds of RadioShack | ] |
So I found an apartment today. It's not anything special, but it'll do. I'll have to start moving soon. It's across the street from the liqour store. That way, all I have to do is get my drunk ass across the street to get drunker. Yay. I still have about a month and a half at the old place, so I have plenty of time to get the new place fixed up and get my stuff over there. The dolls will be the hard part. Definately. And the 150 lb. amp. And the huge TV.... Jesus... I hate moving |
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| All's well that ends in someone leaving |
[May. 5th, 2004|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cradle of Filth - Bathory Aria | ] |
Well, I came home from class today to find my roomate moving her shit out. So I guess I have the house to myself for the remainder of my time here. Which isn't a bad thing. I've been looking for a new place to live, but everything that's 1 bedroom is so expensive. Maybe if someone *cough TRENT cough* would move in with me it wouldn't be too bad.
On a better note, I talked to my friend Jeff for the first time in forever.
I'm kinda proud of myself because this is the first time I've ever actually run someone off. Go me. It would have been nice if she would have... I don't know... SAID SOMETHING before she took off to live elsewhere... I mean, I've been her roomate for nearly a year and she's only been with this guy that she's living with now for like a month and a half. Well, at least he's not living here anymore. Is is so wrong to want someone that's sleeping, showering, LIVING in your house to help out with the rent and bills and such? I didn't think so, but.... I guess it doesn't really matter now.
Blarg. |
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| But seriously.... |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|07:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | CKY - Sink into the Underground | ] |
School sucked. That damn Campus Invasion tour was all over campus. They invaded us. People everywhere... not my style. The university newspaper was having some contest where whoever could come up with the best defination for Hoobastank could meet the band or something. I have one:
Hoobastank - from the Ancient Greek, Hoobas for band and Stankos to suck. It's literal English translation is "a band that sucks." See also - Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Blink 182
I would have won. Hardcore. Yeah.
So Matt has been in Bahrain for about a month now. I miss him like hell. And his life right now is hell, so I suppose it's an appropriate way to miss him.
I decided a path for my college career finally. Gaming and Simulation Development Arts. A mouthful. But it'll be fun. Matt is talking about getting stationed in Japan later on. I've been looking into getting an internship with Square-Enix in Tokyo. Only the best gaming company ever in my opinion. I'll have to learn Japanese, but that will also be useful down the road.
I finally finished Final Fantasy X-2. It was waaayyy too easy. My characters were only mid-70s leveled and I whupped Vegnagun like a little bitch. It was sad. Some of the earlier bosses were much hard (Angra Mainyu, and Azi Dakah for instance). Okay, enough exposing my geekiness. I'm gonna start Drakengard soon. Trent says I have to play FFVII first though. Hopefully I'll have time to play through all these games I have piled around here. Eh, I'm hungry... |
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| What happens when you are too lazy to update your journal yourself. |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|07:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | AFI - Girl's Not Grey | ] |
Today was really awful.
I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment.
I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.
I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.
Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.
I want to tell the world to get fucked.
I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out Robert's heart and feed it to him for losing my mail.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.
I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you what your favourite sexual position is.
I like donkeys.
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.
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